Christmas Regrets
by teamjazzler
Summary: "That day I left Forks, Washington..that horrible, freezing cold and soaking day, was one of the worst days of my life. And now, I curse myself. For that day, was Christmas Eve." ExB
1. Chapter 1

**So I've tried my hand at a short, and I mean short, Christmas drabble.. It's gonna be a bit angsty at first, I warn you, but I know it's gonna be a good, happy ending. There's gonna be about 10 chapters I guess; maybe more, maybe less - but they're gonna remain around this length. I hope you enjoy!**

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><p>Everywhere I walked there were reminders of my life with him.<p>

Christmas songs blaring through speakers of shops; the decorations lining the shop windows; the crowds of people going about their christmas shopping without a care in the world. I envied them.

I spent this time of year, each and every single year for the past 3, alone. And I deserved to. I knew what I was doing when I spoke those final words to him; I knew how much they would break him.

But I was an insecure, naive little girl and I thought I was doing the best thing for him when I abandoned him. When I left him. When I disappeared without a trace. Gone.

Sometimes I like to think he looked for me; that him and his family did everything they could to find me and bring me home to where my heart belonged. Other times, most times, I hate thinking that. It makes me feel guilty and an awful human being for even considering to enjoy their misery and determination to find the girl who didn't want to be found.

Or at least that's what I think. That I didn't want to be found.

That day I left Forks, Washington.. that horrible, freezing cold and soaking day, was one of the worst days of my life. The agony I felt as I whispered goodbye to my life there and drove out of and away from that small town, was indescribable. Indescribable. But I did it, because I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was, honestly.

And now, as I sit in this small cafe that is blasting "All I want for Christmas" by Mariah Carey, I curse myself and my immature decisions those years ago.

For that horrible, freezing cold and soaking day I left him.. was Christmas Eve.


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is part two of Christmas Regrets; I'm going for daily updates. The final chapter will be uploaded on Christmas Day. Enjoy!**

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><p>The past comes back to haunt you.<p>

I've heard that saying so much in my life, I eventually became oblivious to it, and it's meaning.

But it does. It comes back to haunt you. And it does so, when you least expect it.

And now as I sip on this cold coffee, it is one of those times I least expect anything.

Especially his little sister to walk through the door.

I startle, my entire body stiffening as I try to calculate my chances of avoiding her in order to escape out the door. The chances are slight, but they are still there; and I am determined to achieve my mission.

I grip my bag tightly, leaving the cup of cold coffee on the table as I lean to sit on the edge of my seat, my eyes never leaving her petite figure.

Her eyes glance around the room quickly, and I am glad there is an elderly couple hiding me from view.

I hear her musical voice over the quiet lament of Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" asking if she could use the facilities.

I fight a gasp as her voice brings back so many memories. So many. I fight them, focusing on escaping out the door.

I glance over her designer rain coat, her wooly scarf and knitted beanie and I bite my lip to hide a smile. Nothing's changed.

She's still the same Alice.

And as I dart out the door as soon as she is out of view, I sigh in relief.

She's still the same Alice.. but I am not the same Bella.


	3. Chapter 3

**Two updates in the space of one day? I know.. I'm surprised too! The next chapter will be up either later on tonight or tomorrow! Enjoy!**

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><p>I'm on edge as I walk along the icy streets of Seattle; my eyes darting around for any sign of familiarity.<p>

I have no clue as to what I would do if I bumped into Alice or, God forbid, any other member of his family.

I sigh heavily as my mind races with all the possible outcomes of encounters with Esme or Carlisle, Alice or Jasper, Emmett or Rosalie.. or Edward.

I am overwhelmed with the way just thinking his name makes me feel.

I think back to the first day I met him, I was the new girl in Forks High School and he was the rich boy who kept to himself. I was drawn to him as soon as he said, "Hello." I fought my emotions, realising he was too good for me, but it turned out fate had different ideas.

I hate fate sometimes.

Was it fate that made me leave him? Was it fate that made me break his heart, whilst sacrificing my own happiness, and my own heart?

I am so lost in my thoughts I don't see the box laying on the ground in front of me, and I trip over it, hitting the ground harshly.

I gasp in pain as a stone digs into my palm and I hear people crowding around me, and one friendly man grabs my arm and helps me to my feet. I cradle my sore hand to my chest, turning to thank the man who helped me up.

I inhale sharply as I stare into the familiar eyes, and the crowd around me disappears.

My heart is pounding in my chest as I stare at him, my entire body frozen in fear.

He smiles slowly, looking at me with shock and surprise in his cerulean eyes. "Hello, Bella."

I close my eyes in defeat, whispering a reply, "Hello, Jasper."


	4. Chapter 4

Jasper doesn't hate me.

I am surprised at this, and how easily he is trying to maintain awkward conversation, and I am tempted to ask him why he is bothering with me.

He notices my hesitancy and looks at me in confusion, "Bella?"

I swallow, "Why are you here?"

His eyebrows furrow, "I live here. Me and Alice just moved here.."

I interrupt him, "Alice?"

He nods, "Yeah.. she's around. We moved back to be closer to the family." He stares at me intensely as he mentions his family.

I choke out, "Family?"

His eyes are kind when he nods, "Yes. My parents, Em and Rose.." he pauses, "and Edward."

I inhale sharply, blinking away tears as the ache in my chest from long ago reappears. "Edward?" I murmur.

"Yes.. He'll be happy to know you're in town, and doing well."

I shake my head frantically, sitting up straight in my seat, "No! You can't tell him I'm here. He can't know."

Jasper stares at me, "Bella, I can't not tell him I found you." He shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "God, he searched for so long.. we all did."

A silent tear slips down my face when my suspicions are confirmed. He did look for me. His family looked for me. And I was gone.

"He's looked for you for so long, Bella Swan.." he reaches to grasp my hand tightly, emphasising his next words, "and he's never stopped."


	5. Chapter 5

I'm shocked.

I sniffle, "Never?"

He shakes his head, "He hasn't stopped searching, even to this day. He travelled to every single place he could imagine you running to; he used all our connections and sources, to no avail. Admittedly, this time of year is harder for him.. but he's been okay. He keeps on saying that you'll come back eventually, because it's destined."

I squeeze my eyes shut, remembering how he always used to whisper in my ear how we were meant to be; destined to be together.

"And it is destined." I gasp hearing the familiar voice, whirling around in seat to find Alice Cullen staring at me with a small smile. "My my, Miss Bella Swan. It's been a long time."

I stare at her frozen, and she walks over, placing her small hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, Bella."

I blink, "It's okay? What is okay, Alice?"

She shrugs lightly, taking a seat next to Jasper, "That you left. I understand why you did. And you're wrong." She stared at me for a long moment, "You were, and still are, good enough."

See, that's the thing about little Alice Cullen - she has a talent for knowing things. Never bet against her, because you will lose. She used to joke about being a fortune teller or a seer, and we always used to call her the 'Little Psychic..'.

I shake my head, inhaling shakily, "I wasn't.. I'm not."

She rolls her eyes, "Isabella Swan, you listen to me right now. You. Are. Good. Enough!" She smacked her little hands onto the tabletop, and Jasper wrapped his arm around her tiny waist to calm her slightly.

I sighed, "Alice, you've gotta understand. I'm not." She opened her mouth to argue but I put my hand up to stop her, "No. You're the Cullens. He is _Edward Cullen_. And I'm.. me."

She reached across the table to grab my hand tightly, "That's just it, Bella. Edward doesn't care. Our family doesn't care. We love you for who you are, not what you could be. _You_ are what Edward wants... What he needs."

And, just for a moment, I let myself believe her. Just for a moment.


	6. Chapter 6

**I must admit, this is one of my favourite chapters so far.. Bella makes a few decisions to change in this one. I hope y'all are enjoying it.. I've had no reviews so I don't know if you are or not. Anyway, next one will be up in abit!**

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><p>I leave the small cafe half an hour later with a smile on my face.<p>

It's great catching up with Alice and Jasper, and hearing stories of their adventures since I left.. but it's bittersweet. They told their stories happily, glowing with love for each other, and it showed me just how much I have missed of their story.

They had questioned what I had been doing with myself and I just shrugged, "Same old, same old."

They looked confused but changed the subject quickly.

Truth was, I had been doing nothing but travel around the country for a few months before finding a job in the city library. I hadn't gone to college; I didn't see the point in going since I would only be able to handle one semester, and my father approved of my decision to travel. I remember him muttering, _"You'll learn more in real life what you'll learn from a textbook anyways."_

I pull my jacket tighter around me body as I jump on the bus, taking a seat and jumping back off after three stops. I grab my key from my bag and let myself into my apartment, dropping the keys on the table, dumping my bag onto the floor and stripping off all of my layers.

I sigh quietly, looking around my modest loft and I am struck with just how much I have changed in the past few years.

All this regret and guilt has taken it's toll on me as a person, and I am determined to change that.

I decide to redectorate; painting the boring magnolia walls a lovely warm colour and buying a few lovely paintings or pictures, spicing up the plain furniture a bit with some blankets and cushions, and I consider digging out the few christmas decorations I own and putting them up.

I smile, envisioning it all in my mind and I decide to ask Alice if she'd like to help me; reconcile our long-lost friendship just as she stated she'd like, earlier in the cafe.

I bite my lip, grabbing my mobile and scrolling down to Alice's number, hesitating a few moments before dialing her home number.

The phone rings 3 times before a velvet, honey-like voice answers, "Hello?"

I gasp, for that is the voice that has haunted me for 3 years, and I close my eyes against the onslaught of memories flashing in front of my eyes.

"Hello? Who is this?" the voice repeats, sounding confused.

I swallow, my chest heaving as I whisper quietly, "Hello, Edward."


	7. Chapter 7

I have no idea what I am doing, and I sure as hell am not expecting his reaction.

I hear a loud gasp before a loud thud right in my ear and I flinch slightly, pulling my phone away a few inches before replacing it. After a few moments I hear scrambling before Edward is talking again, "Sorry, I dropped the phone. God, Bella? Is that you? Is it truly you?" His voice sounds hopeful and a little excited.

I bite my lip, stupidly nodding before I realise he can't see me. I clear my throat, murmuring into the phone, "Yeah..it's me."

I hear him sniff quietly before he releases a quiet sob, "Oh my God.. Bella! You have no idea, none at all, how good it is to hear your voice." I can make out the sounds of him crying softly, and my own eyes tear up.

"Um, yeah, you too.." I am at a loss for words. What can I say to him?

"God Bella, where have you been, beautiful? I've missed you so much!" he sobs.

I feel a lone tear slide down my cheek, "I've missed you, too." I truly have.

He sniffs, "Why did you leave, Bella? Why?"

I whimper, "This isn't a conversation I want to have over the phone."

"Bella, please.." he whispers, his voice full of emotion. "Please, I need to see you."

I swallow heavily, closing my eyes as I slide down to the floor, "When?"

He doesn't miss a beat, "Soon."

I bite my lip, "How soon?"

He chuckles slightly, "In the next 24 hours preferably."

I'm torn; a part of me thinks that it can't be this easy.. but another part of me is aching to see him.

"I.." I hesitate.

"Bella, I am _begging_ you, beautiful. I know that you're afraid.. I know why you left, you silly, stubborn girl. I'm not angry.. I just _need_ to see you. I _need_ to see your face." He states determinedly.

I sigh quietly, shaking my head at him, "How do you know how I'm feeling?"

"Because I know you, Isabella Swan. And you know me." He says firmly, "And I know that a part of you wants, maybe even needs, to see me, too."

And I laugh quietly, because he's right. I bite my lip, "Could you come now?"

He replies eagerly, "Of course! Where about?" His voice is loud with excitement.

"My place?" I bite my lip again.

He agrees vehemently, "Of course. I can't wait to see you.."

I agree with him silently, taking a deep breath and whispering the words that will ultimately be mine and his reconciliation..

My address.


	8. Chapter 8

**Bit short but we're coming close to the end folks! Only 3 or 4 chapters left! Maybe going for 12; you know, like that 12 days of Christmas, haha! Enjoy and please review.**

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><p>I spend the whole twenty minutes it takes him to get here, freaking out.<p>

I am dying to see him, but I am worried.

Will he still want to see me when he sees how much I've changed? What will he say? What will he _not_ say? What should _I_ say?

My head hurts from all the thoughts running through it.

I take a few deep, calming breaths and my heart jumps to my throat when I hear the knock on my door.

I stand on shaky legs, swallowing deeply before slowly opening the door.

The sight of him after all these years causes my eyes to blur with tears. His strange bronze hair is still as unruly as ever; his facial features even sharper than they were 3 years ago; and his jade eyes are brimming with tears as they stare at me.

His warm hands reach up to cup my face, and fat tears roll down his face as he stares at me. My knees almost buckle from the intensity of his gaze.

"Bella.." he whispers brokenly. "Oh, Bella.."

My tears flood from my eyes as I stare into his beautiful eyes. "Edward.." I breathe.

He sobs once, pulling me into his arms quickly and rather roughly, but I don't care. His arms are squeezing me tight, but I don't care. I feel his tears dampening my hair and I'm pretty sure mines are staining his shirt, but I couldn't care less.

Because I'm home.


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm a major fail. I have no excuse, apart from the fact that I was seriously ill last year and on top of my recovery, Ive also had to catch up with exams and new coursework. Hopefully this will be me back...**

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><p>They say love overcomes anything.<p>

I used to be very cynical and laugh at those who said that; love isn't an actual thing, it's a feeling. It can't change anything, only the people who are involved can change things.

My feelings changed when I met Edward Cullen. He came into my life and for a while I was happy, then my 18 year-old self became insecure and scared, and I ran.

And I have never regretted something so much, in my entire life.

After a few minutes which felt like hours, Edward and I fall into my apartment tangled into each others arms.

My tears seem to slow, and Edward gently brushes his thumb under my eyes before reaching up to swipe his own. Just looking into those emerald eyes makes my heart skip a few beats, even after all this time.

He rests his forehead against mine, smiling softly as his arms encircle my waist tightly. "Bella,"

I bite my lip, peeking up at him between my lashes, "Hm?"

"I missed you."

I swallow heavily, fighting the gut-wrenching guilt, "I missed you, too."

He pulls back, shaking his head slightly, "No, Bella. Don't feel guilty."

I sniff quietly, "How can I not? Do you not remember what I did? What I put you, and your family through?"

"Of course I remember, silly girl! How could I forget?" He whispers.

I pull away from him, stepping away only for him to step with me. I sigh, placing my hand on his chest to keep him a safe distance away so I can gather my scattered thoughts.

"You can't forget, that's the point.." I whisper.

"Bella," he shakes his head, "Please. I've just got you back, don't push me away already."

I open my mouth to reply, but his finger covers my lips, "No. Listen to me now. You ran away from me 3 years ago, because you were scared and insecure and I _get_ that. Maybe I came on too strong, but I loved you. I _still_ love you. And I don't care if you run to the planet Mars, I am not letting you out of my sight without a fight."

I reach up to stroke his stubbled cheek, "Is that so?"

He smiles softly, the lines around his eyes crinkling as he nods, "Yes. It's so. Let's let this Christmas be a happy one, Bella Swan."

I smile up at him before wrapping my arms around his waist. "Okay. But we still need to talk."

He nods against my head as he pulls me tight against his chest, "Of course we do. But it can wait. After all this time, I just want to hold you."


End file.
